Rebekah Staggs

We’ve recently meet several new groups of people. While I like people I also feel drained after being around people for any length of time. Over the years I’ve learned to not enjoy social occasions, the “harmless” chit chat,  because inevitably the questions come. Are you married? How long have you been married? Do you have children? How old is your son? Do you have other children? Don’t you want more children? Why don’t you just adopt? You don’t want him to be an “only child” do you? What is wrong with you?

After the questions comes the time of unsolicited advice: You better get started on having kids. You’re not getting any younger you know. He needs a sibling. If you just x,y, or z you’ll get pregnant. Adopt and you’ll get pregnant just you wait and see. Better not do that IVF stuff or you’ll have a litter like that lady did. Those are just some of the nicer actual comments I’ve gotten over the last decade and a half. I won’t sully my blog with some of the more intrusive, accusatory, and other wise ignorant comments I have received.

In recent years the question is not as painful a subject as it was early on with empty arms. Or, in the later years with our blessed miracle the reminder of things we were fully aware of. It is not as difficult as it was after we decided not to adopt. It is not as heart wrenching as it was to hear the year after our long awaited second miracle was born to heaven. Over the years I’ve learned, for the most part, to ignore the less than helpful advice of the uninformed and blissfully naive. A certain amount of healing does come with time.

While it isn’t voiced as often I see the questions in their eyes. The wondering. It’s always obvious that we have the only “Only Child” in the group. It’s not that he is all that different from the other kids. Maybe he cringes a little at the loudness and bustling of so many children/siblings all together, but he is no more or less bossy, selfish, giving, caring, playful, you name it than any of the other kids in the group. No, he stands out because for our 17 years of being married he is the only child they see when they look at our family.

With time it is now assumed that we planned things that way and the questions and opinions come less often. My child is almost 12 years old and while it is no longer is the first question I am asked upon meeting new people, it is still on occasion asked. While the wound is mostly healed I still wait for the shoe to drop. To meet someone curious enough to give voice to the questions once more. To have that moment where I hesitate and wonder how to reply when I am asked, “Is he your only child?”

I admit I was reluctant to watch this movie. I was warned there was an infertility theme so I stuck it in on the bottom of my queue and didn’t think about it until it finally came in the mail. I am not really much of a “chick flick” kinda gal, but I am a foodie so I thought I’d give it a try once it came in. I had ignored posts or blogs about the movie until after I watched it so as not to color my view of watching it.

Overall it was an enjoyable movie. The food and the cooking were fun. Meryl Streep portrays Julia to a T! I also liked how they portrayed the relationship between Julia Childs and her husband. You don’t see a lot of loving, supportive, and obviously still sensual relationships between married couples on the screen these days. Much less an older couple that has been married for a lot of years. I found Julie to be a bit much at times, but her husband came across as overly supportive and understanding.

As for the infertility theme I totally missed the first scene where they reference infertility. Apparently they are sitting on a bench in the park and there is a wistful look of longing at a baby stroller? I remember them on the bench, but must have blinked and missed the look or something.

In the other scene it has been maybe 15 years or more since Julia got married. Her sister (in her late thirties/early forties?) gets married and as a newlywed writes to tell Julia she is pregnant. Julia has a moment of shock. Starts sobbing while saying, “I’m so happy.” Her husband looks at her and pulls her into his arms. End of scene. It took maybe a minute for the whole thing to play out with very little dialogue. What amazes me is the wealth of difference everyone seems to read into this scene.

Just some of the things I found that people said about the scene:
It was a tense family situation where Julia is sad for herself because she can’t have children. 
She is envious and bitter about her sister’s pregnancy.
The people in the movie theater laughed during the scene. 
It had all the complex and conflicting emotions someone feels when a loved one has what you won’t.
Resentment, joy, grief, resignation quickly played out in that brief scene.

The one thing I found was that you could tell a lot about the writer by what they saw in that moment. Each wrote what their own feelings would be in the same situation. Those who have never been touched by infertility saw a bitter woman who really wasn’t happy for her sister. Or who maybe was happy, but overcome by her own inability and loss.

Those in the midst of their own struggles saw what they deal with on a daily basis. The happy joy for a loved one co-mingled with the brief moments of ugly that come at first and then you fight back down with the better part of your nature.

Those nearer the end of their journey, and closer to peace, saw the reminder of things past or lost mixed in with the joy and happiness for a loved one.

Of her own infertility, from Julia’s book, “My Life in France.” (Which I have not read, but found some excepts from.) She writes, 

“We had tried. But for some reason our efforts didn’t take. It was sad, but we didn’t spend too much time thinking about it and never considered adoption. It was just one of those things. We were living very full lives.”

I wonder if she really considered it “just one of those things” at the time she was going through it? Or,  if this is just how she views it looking back 50 years after the fact? Either way I think the infertile world can find comfort in the words of a 90 year old woman who never had children.  Who led a full life. Who had a loving marriage. And at the end of it all infertility was just one of those things in her life. I, for one, find comfort in that.

I’ll close with something I read recently (It had nothing to do with babies or infertility.) that really summed it up for  me. That Place of Peace and Acceptance we all as infertiles strive for and beat down the ugly parts of our natures to get to:

It said a great deal for her that she watched him without an excess of envy. Yearning, yes, and maybe a little sadness.

Not only is it a long journey, no matter what you strive for, to get to the point of sadness and yearning without bitterness and envy. But, it takes someone who has also walked a difficult path to recognize the difference between the two.

I see babies raising babies, while friends are waiting in adoption lines, and it bothers me. Do these kids even think about the long term? What is best for the baby?

Having and raising a baby isn’t something to be taken lightly. It is physically, emotionally, and financially draining. It ain’t easy. It is not all cute cuddly fun. And, it doesn’t come cheap.

Financially: How Much Does it Cost to Have a Baby? On average around $9000-$11,000. For the first YEAR.  Life in the Fast Lane Breaks it down a little more on an item by item basis. That is just the first year. You’ve got at least another 17 after that.

No more trips. No more designer clothing. No more a lot of things. You brought a life into the world you need to take care of that life before what makes YOU happy. Oh, I’ll just work to offset the cost? Quality Day Care will cost you almost as much as you make. If you’re very young, probably more. So all of that on Dad’s income flipping burgers?

Emotionally: Are you really prepared for getting up all night, changing diapers all the time, not having time to hang out with friends or at parties because you need to take care of your baby? For crying jags that last for hours? For putting aside your wants and even some needs for the sake of what the baby needs?

Physically: That body is going for a ride. You will never be the same as you once were. Those first few months are draining. Sleep deprivation is quite normal. Yet, you have responsibilities as a parent and that comes before just sleeping like you want to.

Are you really prepared for that? Are you willing to give up what you want for what is best for the baby? Are you expecting/assuming the grandparents are going to shoulder the burden? They already did their responsibility and raised their kids. Now you want them to take on YOUR responsibilities? Think about it…

Having a baby can be a wonderful, rewarding, joyful, blessing. When brought into a mature, loving, committed, stable, 2 parent Marriage. One that is willing and able to make the sacrifices needed to raise a healthy contributing member of society. Is that what you’re giving your child?